Truth is, I'm Selfish.

lately, i've been made aware of something big. I am selfish. Shocker, I know. But it's true. The other day, as I tried to navigate through a fight I had just had with my roommate and one of my closest friends here at uni, I realized that I don't love well. At least not like He does. and I felt such remorse because it was like i suddenly noticed that if i am not known for my love, then what else matters?

I could yell to a bunch of believers in a room about the the joy of the Secret Place for the rest of my life and it would mean absolutely nothing if it is not shown in my love. I realize that I am selfish. I often look out for my own interests instead of the interests of those around me. I give to the extent I have received, and I only love to the extent I am loved.
I don't love my enemies.
I don't over-exert myself for them.

I love my friends, and those who are easy to love. and whenever I am challenged to love beyond the limits I know (especially where someone I dislike is concerned), I complain and breakdown and feel cheated because it goes beyond a measure I am comfortable with. But isn't this His measure of love?

the truth is, my level of intimacy with God, how much I may know and love him means nothing if it is not poured out daily to those around me. It's a hard pill to swallow, and to be honest I'm kind of choking. But it is still truth. and my struggle to believe this, only reiterates my need for it.

If how much I love Jesus, doesn't challenge me to become less and place others before myself, am I just wasting my time? Because who is this relationship changing? what walls does this relationship break? How does it heal broken people? How is it setting those in chains free? What am i doing that's making a difference? and is it all for me?

I don't know why it has taken me so long to realize this. But I am nothing, if I am not the outpouring of His love. i am nothing, if I don't show the same grace He constantly shows me. I am nothing, if i am not surrendering everything. i am nothing

so truth is,  i am selfish.
i find it hard to love hard people.
i find it hard to give them grace.
yet i forget that i am this hard person.
that sometimes i am unlovable
and He chooses me still.

i know that where it all begins to change, is when my love for Him is seen in my love them.

So Abba, would you teach me to love well.

princess

The Secret Place

Here is the complete, honest, convicting and yet unshaking truth;

if you are complacent, then it is no good.
if you are disinterested, it's no good.
if you are no longer listening, its no good.
if you are no longer pursuing, it's no good.
if you are daily choosing all else, but RELENTLESS, UNASHAMED, RECKLESS desire for Jesus, then it is no good.

you've missed it.

if your whole life, your every breath,  your all in all–your everything– is not poured at the feet of Jesus, then it is no good.
if you are not daily surrendering to His power,  to His design and to HIS purpose, then it is no good.

There is simply no greater call, than to live a life rooted in the Secret Place.

The secret place, is His call for every believer. The daily pursuit, the deep cry for intimacy, the Knowing (like really really knowing) of who God is– this is standard. The surrender, the worship, the praise, the glory, the honour, the power– these things are all His, they belong to Him.
This is the standard we are called to live by and this is the place it all changes.

I know this, because it is where everything changed for me.

Your purpose does not exist apart from this. You are not created for anything ELSE but this.

if you are not pouring out from an overflow of His goodness, love and mercy–because you are so full with it, then it is no good.
If there is no overflow from a place of intimacy with Christ, then it is no good and you are living a selfish faith.
Because there are people whose only deliverance from sitting at the dividing line of choosing God or turning away, are at the mercy of Your obedience.  There are lives looking to be changed, and souls needing to be saved and all by your Yes to going into the secret place and really knowing Him, will they be ever changed.

So if you've reading this, living a comfortable, unintentional and faithless christianity– then i am so sorry to say you are missing it. You are missing the point of us being here. You are missing out on truly knowing the Greatest friend you will ever have, and encountering the deepest Love you ever will. If you are satisfied with all you've ever known God to be, and are not in the least bit curious to search and Know and encounter Him deeper, then your faith is stagnant and you are missing it all.

There are greater depths, there are deeper waters, there are oceans and valleys and high places yet undiscovered in God, simply because we have not said yes. 

Could you imagine? could you just imagine what it would be like to meet with God face-to-face like Moses did?  Could you imagine what it would feel like to hear His voice in the room with you? To go out for coffee and know you are taking Him along?
you can experience these things,
you can experience so much more.
There is SO much more.

it takes sacrifice. it takes commitment, it takes surrender, it takes pursuit– it takes everything.
and it is so beyond worth it.
He is so worth knowing. and He is waiting for your Yes.
He is waiting for your everything.

a summer to remember

It's hard to put it into words, what this summer has meant to me. How its shaped me, how its challenged, broken and healed me.
I don't know where to begin.
All I know is that I came into it wanting one thing and one thing alone. I came wanting all of Him, needing less of me, and desiring above all, that I would come out different.

This past April, so many things pushed me to the edge until I knew I was at the end of myself. I was tired of allowing myself to keep being defined by broken things, I was tired of how easily I let the world devalue me,  I was so tired of the endless in-head battle of "am I good enough" or worthy enough, or talented enough. I knew I needed something different, a new encounter and experience, and so everyday for the next four months, I would cry to God to shape me, to show me Himself, and to change me from the inside out. I begged him to bring something new out of me. I gave Him everything I was holding on to, and He came and met me in my empty.

Something has changed.
I don't know how to explain it, but I know that a new level of intimacy has been cultivated.
I know that a new level of confidence has been created.
I know even to myself, that I look different–because i feel so so different.
I am assured that God has began something great in me, I am certain that He is working even in the mundane.

It has been a summer of many firsts,
one of returning to old truths in the face of bold lies,
one of testing and of spontaneity.
A summer of letting go of the old
and trusting God for His very best.

Everything has come full circle and it is Fall again.
I am reminded each and everyday that things won't always turn out the way I want them to
yet I am convinced that my every disappointment paves way for His appointment. (and that is all I want anyway).

So
whatever it looks like,
I surrender.
I look forward confidently for all that is to come and has already begun.

He is a good Abba and I am learning to trust Him all over again.

With Love,

Princess

it begins now

your life does not begin tomorrow.
it does not start
when he notices you exist,

it does not start when you get that new job
or finally see Europe
stop waiting
for some magic to happen

stop wasting moments
in the wait of a fairytale.

live it now.
it is here now.
you have today.
you have right now.

embrace the light,
seize the day
drink your coffee
dream away

stay awake
make a goal
work hard
live now.


sincerely,

–the girl who has been waiting all her life for it start.

the strongest of them all

i think it is valuable 

to be a woman who feels it all.

although it may at times seem heavy,

that's the beauty of the journey

her ability to feel

will also be her 

ability to heal–

to heal a broken world,

to heal a hurting people,

to sit and sympathize

to feel and empathize

for although her heart has created more wounds

than it has healed,

she has also never been more confident

that emotions are meant to be felt.

they are not made to hidden,

they are not created to be ignored.

she now understands that even when they 

lead her astray,

there is always something new gained.

a new lesson,

a greater depth,

a sense of awareness–

some light, even in the mess.

i believe 

that a woman 

who feels 

it all,

is the strongest of 

them all.

one day soon

& one day soon,
he will just be a
boy,
you will just be a
girl.
with no ties to her past,
with nothing holding her back

you will appreciate the things
that have gone before,
but have a new sense of gratitude
for all that is to come

one day, very soon
his name will hold no more meaning,
those memories will be left
exactly where they need to be

for
summer is gone,
& fall awaits.
embrace all things new,
enjoy each moment today

be present in the season,
be present in the pain
be present in the joys,
just be present today.

moments

the raw, unfiltered moments
of my day-ins and day-outs
are not me laying on a beach south of London.

they are me crying, gulping down my cold coffee
reading over the same lines in my Bible over & again
until i almost believe them.
they are me questioning God,
questioning my ability to hear Him,
questioning his direction over my life.

these moments are not filtered.
they are sometimes happy
but most often,
my only solace becomes the same three worship songs I always listen to
when I am in need of remembering the bigness of God
in the face of my adversity.

these moments are mine,
and you will never see them until i allow you to.
but these moments of darkness and growth
and pain and joy
and freedom
and falling
yet rising–
only to fall again–
are precious in His sight.

this is the journey of purpose.
and it's not an easy one.
this is the journey of hope,
and it is not aesthetically pleasing.

these are the moments He treasures,
where I am raw and open and vulnerable,
where i pour out till empty
and allow the melodies of heaven
to console me.

this is the me
you wont always see,
it is the one in the journey
of becoming
all that she is meant to be.

meet me in my empty

how wild it is,
to let things go.
how outstanding an act of faith.

how often do we say out loud;
"God I trust you"
yet, in the moments that follow,
we find ourselves frail and frigid,
consumed with anxiety at the thought of it all falling apart–
our world, our hopes, our dreams.

i can't remember a time where it has all fallen apart so perfectly, as it did last night.
my world, my heart,
the whole ensemble.

it is still broken now,
and i am not yet recollected–
yet it is okay.

it is okay to find myself amiss in the despair of what i hoped would be,
only to find that it is not,
and will never be.

it is okay to realize that i do not, in fact,
trust God like i should.
sometimes, it takes me loosing all that i want to hold on to
to find that He wants to give something better in return.

i hate the ache,
the pain of it all.
the growing, and learning,
the stumbling
and falling.

but i am beginning to understand
all over again
that He'll always be here,
& that in the mess of it all
He is still God.
He will never yell the things that i would, to myself.
the "i told-you-so's"
or the "you-should've-knowns"
for He does not take delight in my despair.

i am twenty-one
and yet still twelve.
wanting the things i don't need,
needing the things that'll hurt me.


now i know that i must stay
in deep dependence on Him whose ways are better,
who's thoughts are better,
and
who's all,

(always)

meets me
in my
empty.

camouflage

do not mistaken pride for strength. 

you see, pride says if you break, you lose. 

It tells you that the one who hurt you will win 

if they know the pain they caused you. 

so you tell yourself to be strong 

because they don’t deserve you. 

they don’t deserve your tears, 

they don’t deserve your weakness.

and then weeks go by and you wonder why you’re so heavy. 

you wonder why the dark clouds only seem darker 

and the chaos in your mind only grows thicker. 

you feel your heart welling up with the emotions 

you cannot pour out- you won’t let it, 

because that’ll mean you are weak.

and in the days that pass you notice 

you begin to lose yourself. 

you are angrier, more negative, 

more alone than you’d ever anticipated.

should you go home? should you cry out 

to the God who loves you in your mess? 

you know you need Him, 

but pride camouflages as strength 

and tells you that letting Him in 

will only break you; so keep Him at arms length.

but your God loves you. He calls for you, 

He tells you that your weaknesses only reveal 

His strength. He is strong enough for you. 

When you are weak, you invite in the God

 over every broken heart and chaotic mind. 

He rushes in and holds you close, He whispers truth

so loud they drown out all the lies. He softens your heart, 

and eases your mind. and as He sings over you; 

the first tear awakens an ocean of suppressed 

emotions until finally,

you break.

you’re broken. 

but you will heal. 

because your God will not leave you there. 

Piece by piece he gathers your sharp edges, 

bandages your wounds till they become battle scars- 

scars of a war you were never meant to fight alone. 

and each time you let yourself break, 

another part of you becomes whole.

The truth finally awakens till you begin to know; 

He will never break you to leave you broken, 

but only to make you whole.

Linen Dreams

Lately, all my dreams have been of Linen.

off-white, cream and brown. Earth tones, and easy-going. It's linen everything.

I don't think its possible to go wrong with this attire. 

enjoy.

lace & words

br ea the

remind me to never search for love

out of the aching emptiness of my own heart

i must be full,

first

remind me to never strive for what is meant to come naturally.

remind me, to remember;

to breathe

the dividing line

He does not confuse us
He does not overwhelm us
He does not make us feel like our lives and peace and sanity are all at stake at the hands of our decision making

Know His voice.
He does not cause us to obsess
He is Abba.
The God of peace
The God of certainty,
the God of ease.

And there is a dividing line, between what really are His words,
and what are just pretending to be.

So keep your eyes open,
keep your ears attentive,
for His voice will still you,
His voice will bring about joy in you
His voice will place confidence in you.

for when He speaks,
there are no questions to be asked,
for He is sure and sturdy and faithful in His love

Know the dividing line,
steer clear of all the enemy's lies
He does not confuse us,

He breathes stillness into us

the women i live with

i hear the women i live with
day in, day out
they boast of the love they've found
in the arms of men
who only want them for a season

they boast of a never appearing forever,
and dream of fairytale endings–
while they slave away on 12 hour shifts
at jobs they are too tired to quit from,
and too dead to notice its toll anymore

these women, they hang on his every word
his every text, his everything
they cease to exist until they are reunited
with the men that see nothing more than a convenience

little does she know,
that he does not spend his 12 hour days pining
after her
little does she know
of the good things that are yet to find her
little does she know.

i hear the women i live with
day in, day out
they stoop down low
and no longer aim high
they choose all the wrong men
and no longer question why

the reasons we let go

of all the reasons we let go
the only one holding truth is this;

we
were
uncertain.

and by we,
i definitely mean you.

this is my appeal

this is my appeal to you.
and if i am wrong,
i promise to leave you be
but hear me out–just for a moment
for i am just like you.
i am struggling too,
i am also afraid
i am often unsure

but what if, the one thing
amidst all of my uncertainties,
was the certainty that i am worth loving?
what if, amidst all my questions
was not the one of "am i enough?"

what if we fought to believe the things that all the Princess stories talk about?
that we are royalty,
bred with intentionality and not ignorance,
chosen and cultivated for growth and not despair
purposed and designed for great things
that we can not even comprehend?
that the skin we came with
was really the one intended for us
that our names hold destiny and our palms, character
that our hair–whether resisting gravity or falling like a stream–
is exactly the way it is meant to be?

so this is my appeal,
that we would be young girls and old women who do not question ourselves
because of a failing society that tells us to
because could you imagine a planet earth
where women define
beauty,
as each other
and love,
as the way we feel towards ourselves?

what will it take

what will take,
for you to finally choose you?
to stop choosing the men that break you;
to stop thinking that maybe this time will be different

what will it take,
to recognize that the only way those scars will heal,
is to stop drinking the poison that created them in the first place

isn't it wild,
that the moments you've wasted wanting him,
are the very ones you could have used to want yourself

so what will take?
another breakdown or heart ache
another endless cycle of "have's and have-not's",
another "maybe-if-i-give-him-one-more-chance-he-won't-screw-it-up"
another pep-talk
another "cry-till-i-can-no-longer-breathe"?

What
will
it take

What
is your
price

How
much
more
must
you
endure

it should have taken your first tear
to end it all,
it should have been your first question of self-worth,
that answered all.

it should have ended
the very moment
you decided,

you.
are.
all.
it.
takes.

so why wait?

he doesn't know what he's missing

dear you,
yes–you.
the one reading this screen right now.
the girl wondering what it'll take to become someone worth noticing.
don't you already know that you are?– worth noticing, that is.
why do you even question it?

is it him?
the boy who fails to acknowledge the beauty you carry?
or is it because of the one who chose you, only to change his mind again?

stop it.
whatever your reasons,
please just stop it.
stop your questioning, stop your wondering.
stop spending your time and energy on worthless questions that involve worthless boys and their worthless pursuit.

take the time to know you.
know yourself deeply.
know the One who made you.
learn from Him. Listen to His words, His opinions, His thoughts over you.
it is worth investing in, i promise.

take it from the girl who spent her whole life believing those same lies.
the ones that say "you're only worth as much as the attention he gives you"
take it from her.

you. are. not. made. whole. because. of. him.
you are already whole in Him {the greater Him, that is}

take time
inhale truth
let it surround you
take time
inhale truth
let it dig its roots within you
take time
know you
take time–
find you.

you. are. worth. it. all.
so take time
to believe this.
because i promise,

he doesn't know what he's missing.

- P

in the morning; when i rise

"in the morning, when i rise give me Jesus".

that statement, that sentence; this has been my life lately.
and i wouldn't have it any other way.

For the longest time, I have wished for a season of Jesus and Jesus alone. A place where I run when the sun rises, and return to when it sets. I have longed for intimacy and knowing God deeper, in new and exciting ways.

It blows my mind because summer has really barely began, and I already feel so connected and awakened again. Something I told God when school officially ended for me, was that I wanted to experience something new this summer. I told God that I wanted to come out different. I told Him that i wanted to know who I am in Him, that I want to know Him like I do a friend.

and it blows my mind, because I am finding that I finally do.
I wake up every morning and seek for more Him, and less me. I have made Him the focal point of all my days this summer and I honestly have no regrets.

The crazy, cool amazing thing, is that when you ask for more of God, He shows up. His greatest reward is the gift of Himself.

Something also, that's equal parts of crazy and cool is that when you ask for more of God, He is usually asking for more of you too. So there are things this summer that i've had to lay down and sacrifice, ultimately knowing that what He wants to give me, is better than what I want to hold on to.

So i've been laying it all down. my desires, my wants, my dreams–everything.
It's been hard and challenging, but i know that there is purpose in this. If i want growth, I must be willing to let God "plow my ground". I must be willing to let him uproot my weeds and plant new seeds.

I cannot keep my little box nice and tidy and expect to meet God there (although, he would anyway). The truth is, if i want to see real change, I must let him come in and destroy my pre-conceived ideals and selfish dreams. I must be willing to give up and sacrifice all of me, to gain more of Him.

So i've said goodbye to Instagram, amongst many other things that I may gain that much more. It's cool, because i finally feel like i kinda get what Paul meant when he "considered all else loss" compared to knowing Christ. (Philippians 3:8)

If you've heard the song "New Wine" by Hillsong, you'll be familiar with this line: "in the soil, I now surrender, You are breaking new ground". This is exactly what my season feels like. Like new soil is being created (out of what I have let go off/sacrificed), and that ground must be broken for this to occur.

God is doing really cool things right now, and I feel the happiest and most confident I have ever been. I am now beginning to understand how He views me, and what I am worth in Him. there are no more questions of value or worth because i listen to the voice of truth more than I do the lies.
He is constantly reassuring me of His endless, abounding, constant yet raging love and pursuit of me. It's a wild journey but I'll keep you updated!

With love,

Princess

The Woman (I think) I Must Become

I often find myself trapped mercilessly between the woman I am now, and the one I want to become. I fear the present one feels too much, wants too much and doesn't know enough of who she is.
Don't get me wrong, I know I've come such a long way. My heart is mostly at peace, and most days, I am confident God has a plan for the girl I am now.

But often times, I can't help but wish I was on the other side of my current search for self, maybe ten or fifteen years from now–looking from the outside-in at whoever I become in the end.
And dear God, I hope that woman is not one who although swears off love and romance, only finds herself living her days with one wish; that she were somewhere on the other side of the Atlantic with a cute boy she's literally only met once.

because sadly, that's who I am now. haha.

But, as much as I could wish I was more "this", and less of "that"... one thing I do know for certain, is that God likes the woman I am now. He doesn't sit on His judgement seat daily wishing I would "find myself" or "be better". Yes, He want's me to be the very best version of myself but He also cares so deeply about my journey to that place.

And the truth is, there are many things the woman I must become, must learn from the one I am now.
So maybe, just maybe instead of breaking her down, I must learn to build her up.
I must learn to remind her, that she is not her mistakes and though falling so quickly is her biggest weakness, it's also her greatest strength. I must remind this woman, that she already knows who she is, what she is called to, and who she is meant to be. and that there is no way, she could ever miss that destiny because it was crafted specially, by a Designer who knew of the many phases she would walk through and all the mistakes she would make.

This Designer does not overlook the woman she is now, in desperation for one that is to come. He chose her, all while knowing she would mess up and learn things the hard way. But He also knew that He wouldn't have it any other way.

So here's to you; on the other side of where you may want to be, and here's to me–suddenly realizing I am where I need to be:
To the woman you are now, I salute you and I am already proud of you. You are learning to love your flaws and weaknesses because you know that they will only bring you to a place of deep reliance, on the One who has never wanted you as anything else, but as the truly authentic you.

and even as she messes up (and falls for southern boys), she will also be strengthened and encouraged to stay the course until the end. not just in the hopes of becoming the woman she thinks she must be, but because of the assurance that she is enough, even as she is now.

So be patient with her,
it may be a long time coming–but she'll (I'll) get there in the end.

With love,

Princess (the woman you know now)