to let things go.
how outstanding an act of faith.
how often do we say out loud;
"God I trust you"
yet, in the moments that follow,
we find ourselves frail and frigid,
consumed with anxiety at the thought of it all falling apart–
our world, our hopes, our dreams.
i can't remember a time where it has all fallen apart so perfectly, as it did last night.
my world, my heart,
the whole ensemble.
it is still broken now,
and i am not yet recollected–
yet it is okay.
it is okay to find myself amiss in the despair of what i hoped would be,
only to find that it is not,
and will never be.
it is okay to realize that i do not, in fact,
trust God like i should.
sometimes, it takes me loosing all that i want to hold on to
to find that He wants to give something better in return.
i hate the ache,
the pain of it all.
the growing, and learning,
the stumbling
and falling.
but i am beginning to understand
all over again
that He'll always be here,
& that in the mess of it all
He is still God.
He will never yell the things that i would, to myself.
the "i told-you-so's"
or the "you-should've-knowns"
for He does not take delight in my despair.
i am twenty-one
and yet still twelve.
wanting the things i don't need,
needing the things that'll hurt me.
now i know that i must stay
in deep dependence on Him whose ways are better,
who's thoughts are better,
and
who's all,
(always)
meets me
in my
empty.
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