distraction has been my enemy
in recent days, i find the lulls and moments that i would usually reserve for You
are spent longing for dreams that have nothing to do with You.
i'm sorry.
it feels like i have taken a trip in my mind,
somewhere far and lonely,
convincing myself that you are still the One I have been chasing
but i have been changing.
i have felt my devotion waver,
i have felt my faith falter
i have screamed and blamed and cursed you in childish ways
i have chosen disappointment as my cloak of honour
and rejection as my crown,
i have thrown away your relentless pursuit
and wondered in a wilderness that was never mean for me–
i'm sorry.
i have isolated myself in my despair
and held you at arms length while tending to my own wounds.
i have failed to let you into the process,
i have failed to allow you into the journey– and i'm sorry.
i want to begin again,
i want to go back to where you are my every waking thought,
my bright and morning star,
the hero of my heart.
i want to go back to where my trust in you does not depend on what i see,
but on solid truth that i read.
oh that distance would turn into the deepest of intimacies,
that i would call you home again,
that i would come running.
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