to be held by you

how do i explain, that i have been here, but also far?

it has not been about a lack of time with you,

but about a lack of intimacy.

our intimacy has suffered and i am not sure how.

i still spend my days with you,

i still think of you always

but i have felt my fondness die,

my affection dimmer.

i have felt pain lie to me

i have felt like all the while i have been here with you,

talking, but saying nothing.

i don't want our friendship to get lost in service.

i don't just want rhythm and routine with you,

i want hysterical laughter and hushed whispers too.

i want the intimacy

i want the roar of deep belonging

i want the oneness of knowing you.

i no longer want to sacrifice our intimacy for duty

i want to stop dusting myself off each time i fall,

but instead run into your arms and let you brush off the dust and tend to the brusies.

for me,

that is intimacy.

that i would not 'get myself together' before approaching you

but that i would fall into your arms and let you clean me up,

that i would bring you into the places of deep despair,

that i would let you cradle me until i am whole again.

remind me that you never tire of this.

remind me that you enjoy this.

because somewhere along the line,

i have forgotten what it feels like to be held by you