open hands

living with open hands is
living with hands that say;
"Abba i want to hold on to
nothing else the way i hold
on to You".

maybe this is exactly where you want me,
walking blindly
hands wide open,
saying 'yes', even where it makes no sense.

goodness

his goodness is poured into every unknown, his goodness is woven into all my moments

Come Matter Here

Come Matter Here - Hannah Brencher

Before I left for vacation in California a few weeks ago, I found myself as they say– between a rock and a hard place. I thought going away would pull me out of the things I no longer wanted to see or feel, and give me all the clarity I needed. But the thing about clarity is that it requires us to see clearly. It is not an escape, it is a coming to terms with all the hard stuff, all the real stuff and facing them head-on. Before leaving, I remember asking my friend Maddie to give me a book that would be a slap -in-the-face kinda truth, and she gave me this–Come Matter Here.

This book by Hannah Brencher has left me feeling all the things i've been trying to ignore.

it is real, honest and challenging. This book is self-described as an invitation to be "here" in a getting "there" world. It invites us to dig our roots deep in the places where our feet are planted, because

it is so much easier to dig-wide than it is to dig deep. it's so much easier to make newer, funnier and wittier friends, but so much harder to invite into the aching places of your heart, those friends and people you've known over a lifetime.

lately, the question on my mind and heart has been this: "does it matter?"

do i matter?

does my life mean anything at all?

does it matter if i buy that dress instead of those groceries, does it matter if i comment under his Instagram photo, does it matter if i watch that story or save up money or go on another vacation or lead a small group. does it matter?

the truth is, we are almost constantly waiting for that invitation from a new friend or new city that says "come matter here". We are waiting for that jolt of significance and we are willing to drop all the difficulties of our current lives at a moments breath, in search of the next best thing. I've been feeling this way lately. It's like I am constantly wanting my life, my gifting's,  and my experiences to have meaning somewhere. to be needed somewhere, to be told by someone that "yes",  my life matters" and "yes" it means something. and if they ever tell me no, i am just as willing to pack up and leave it all behind.

its a strange feeling, a vast medium to find ourselves. 

the "do i matter's" and the 'will it mean a thing's'

are the questions i can only hope will be answered in time.

one thing I do know for sure, is that for this season, Come Matter Here has began my journey of clarity. I am starting to see clearly again, starting to face life head-on again, instead of packing up a suitcase to remain in life's high highs and escape it's low lows.

So if you find yourself stuck in this in-between, i would recommend "Come Matter Here".

i am only half-way through but i know this book is changing my life.

With Love, 

Princess

running into walls

i ran away to california
and no, it did not heal me
i found instead,
mid-run
that i hit the very same walls
i pretended for so long
weren't there.

now that i'm home
i see the girl i left behind
had just been waiting all along.

we don't run from the things that hurt us
we run right into them

damaged goods

lead me to daily surrender my pain
until i am no longer damaged goods,
no longer fragile.
lead me to healing
like you lead the night into morning.

intricate things

you write my pain into beauty
you weave through the story,
all these intricate details along the way;
like sitting in malibu, finally coming to terms with brokenness,
like drinking blue bottle coffee while touring pepperdine
like yelling with childlike joy as i soar on the rollercoasters at six flags.
you weave it all in
until it becomes something beautiful.
the story isn't over
and the pain that i've been feeling
cannot compare to the joy thats coming.

freedom isn't really free

all this hurt you're trying to ignore
is attached to the freedom you really want

poets of pain

we place far too much

weight on being

poets of our pain

maybe i want to 

write about the good

days too

something new

i'm creating again
like it signifies the tearing of the old
and the awakening of the new
with each stroke of a pen,
each shutter of the lens,
i am rewiring those past hurts
that shut out the flow of new breath

i am creating again.
liking morning dew again
making my own coffee again,

now i know i am breathing again

coming home

do you ever feel so many miles away from who you were created to be?
lately its been every day.
and i've been meaning to come home for so long,
but it's felt like going against the current

i think i am now realizing that
the only way to beat the current is to rest and not fight it.
i was, for a while there, fighting it on my own and failing miserably.
but today i am floating;
letting the waves bring me home
living more intentionally,
living with open hands again.
hands that say "abba, i want to hold on to nothing else the way i hold to you".
so now i welcome the detours, i welcome the days that feel impossible, i welcome the open doors, his "yesses" and his "no's".

today, he said, "not yet"
and i will be okay anyway.
His goodness is wrapped up in mystery and safety
it looks like protection always,
and it looks like "not-yets" sometimes

theres a song that says; "it feels like coming home for the first time in a long time"
and thats what each day is starting to feel like.
like a step towards home again,
another route thats leading me back to Him,
and consequently, to me again.

you never know how good Home feels,
until you've gone wandering
and come up empty.

i'm coming home and it feels so good again.

good things, wonderful things. none of which i deserve

this title is how this season feels.
it feels so darn good.
and i am at a loss for words. that God would see so fit,
to give me moments that feel like the kinda dreams i want to keep believing in

its crazy because the love and joy and newness i've been met with so far this summer
has felt better than any story i could have written for myself.
it feels better than a sunrise,
better than fresh brew

it feels like heaven has been invading earth
this whole time
and like all the while i thought my story would end in pain,
God was whispering "you just wait, it's almost a new day"

it feels like a dream. and i want to pinch myself.
how is it that reality has exceeded everything i have always prayed for?

God you are so good.

You're so good to me.


-p

volkswagen camper

i saw a van
that made me think of you
and that crazy dream of yours;
to pack up one day in an old
volkswagen camper,
drive out west with someone you love
for days and nights with no end.

i think of that dream of yours often,
not wanting to be 'her'
but simply wanting, with all i am,
that under those endless stars you drive beneath,
will meet you a "forever" that does not fall short
of that wonderful dream

mediocre.

it's the night before my personality psych exam, and no, i am not prepared for it.
to further elaborate, i just spent the last hour and a half watching one of those critically acclaimed movies where it feels like it didn't end the right way, or they lost the script or something because it truly sucked.
but i learned something.
it's kinda funny but somehow eye-opening too.
do you ever notice how easy it is in movies to notice that someone deserves better in a relationship or friendship? that feeling of slight anger you get when the script isn't giving them enough power? that way that you know the girlfriend or boyfriend or best friend deserve so much more, that they deserve to be seen and valued, that they deserve to wake up to a kind of love that always feels like spring, even when there's a blizzard outside?
why is it so easy for us to see it for them?
why is it that much harder to see it for myself?
how often do i accept mediocre friendships, text mediocre guys, and settle for mediocre love?
is this life a movie? is there an audience mad at the script i'm living out too? are they yelling for me to get up and get out and move on and know how worth it i am? how worth it we are?
where does the courage to walk confidently come in?
how do i change the script?

imagine what it would feel like.




princess.

the weight of words

words change everything.
and if there is anything i am learning the hard way, it is this.

i have been met with some pretty tough and discouraging situations this year,
that have both challenged and changed me.

the gist of it all, is this:
despite my mistakes,
despite my poor choices,
God has shown me faithfulness and He has been good to me.
i've learned that although my words may change another's opinions of me,
it has never once affected God's view of me.

i am learning the wisdom in being quick to listen,
very slow to speak,
and even slower to anger.
i'm learning to extend the grace i give to others, to myself,
to see my humanness and my weakness
and to run straight into abba's arms with it.

i am not my own saviour, and i am not discounted by my shortcomings.
i need people & i need jesus.
everyday, my view of myself and the people He has placed
around me must be based solely on his truth.

i've noticed just how quickly my world falls apart when i am not based in truth
and i no longer need that wake up call.
i think its fair to say that in many ways, the last few months have been the greatest wake-up call because they have challenged what i believe about myself and Jesus, to be true.

but
i am learning
and i am grateful.
&
He is good to me.

january hurts.

ahh, happy January friends!
its been a while, but here's a little recap on what January has felt like so far.

so far, January hurts. it feels like i am being stretched backwards, to be launched forward.
and for the first few days i thought i would never make it through. i believed God had let me down and let me go.
i know this is not truth.

truth is:
it hurts, but it is necessary. and truth says, that my circumstances do not tell of God's goodness to me.

I learned at church yesterday that when walking through hard seasons, we believe one of three things. We either believe that God is all good, but not all powerful, that He is all powerful but not all good, OR that He is both good and all powerful.

i want to believe the third.
because the fact that i do not see God's hand the way that i want to, does not mean He is any less good or any less powerful.

i am learning in this season that:
it is imperative that i do not give up.
it is imperative that i keep my eyes fixed on the One.
it is imperative that i chase Truth.
it is imperative that i am rooted.
it is imperative that i am not isolated.
it is imperative that i am vulnerable with my pain.
it is imperative that i stand firm.

hard seasons are a just that. hard. and i wish i knew why they are so necessary to go through, i wish i had some kind of encouragement or hope to give but all i know is God's position of love towards me never. ever. changes. and while i may not understand what He allows, i can still find joy and strength and hope because He is a sure foundation.

so if all i know to be true of God right now is that He is all good, and all powerful, then that's enough for me.