in the morning; when i rise

"in the morning, when i rise give me Jesus".

that statement, that sentence; this has been my life lately.
and i wouldn't have it any other way.

For the longest time, I have wished for a season of Jesus and Jesus alone. A place where I run when the sun rises, and return to when it sets. I have longed for intimacy and knowing God deeper, in new and exciting ways.

It blows my mind because summer has really barely began, and I already feel so connected and awakened again. Something I told God when school officially ended for me, was that I wanted to experience something new this summer. I told God that I wanted to come out different. I told Him that i wanted to know who I am in Him, that I want to know Him like I do a friend.

and it blows my mind, because I am finding that I finally do.
I wake up every morning and seek for more Him, and less me. I have made Him the focal point of all my days this summer and I honestly have no regrets.

The crazy, cool amazing thing, is that when you ask for more of God, He shows up. His greatest reward is the gift of Himself.

Something also, that's equal parts of crazy and cool is that when you ask for more of God, He is usually asking for more of you too. So there are things this summer that i've had to lay down and sacrifice, ultimately knowing that what He wants to give me, is better than what I want to hold on to.

So i've been laying it all down. my desires, my wants, my dreams–everything.
It's been hard and challenging, but i know that there is purpose in this. If i want growth, I must be willing to let God "plow my ground". I must be willing to let him uproot my weeds and plant new seeds.

I cannot keep my little box nice and tidy and expect to meet God there (although, he would anyway). The truth is, if i want to see real change, I must let him come in and destroy my pre-conceived ideals and selfish dreams. I must be willing to give up and sacrifice all of me, to gain more of Him.

So i've said goodbye to Instagram, amongst many other things that I may gain that much more. It's cool, because i finally feel like i kinda get what Paul meant when he "considered all else loss" compared to knowing Christ. (Philippians 3:8)

If you've heard the song "New Wine" by Hillsong, you'll be familiar with this line: "in the soil, I now surrender, You are breaking new ground". This is exactly what my season feels like. Like new soil is being created (out of what I have let go off/sacrificed), and that ground must be broken for this to occur.

God is doing really cool things right now, and I feel the happiest and most confident I have ever been. I am now beginning to understand how He views me, and what I am worth in Him. there are no more questions of value or worth because i listen to the voice of truth more than I do the lies.
He is constantly reassuring me of His endless, abounding, constant yet raging love and pursuit of me. It's a wild journey but I'll keep you updated!

With love,

Princess

The Woman (I think) I Must Become

I often find myself trapped mercilessly between the woman I am now, and the one I want to become. I fear the present one feels too much, wants too much and doesn't know enough of who she is.
Don't get me wrong, I know I've come such a long way. My heart is mostly at peace, and most days, I am confident God has a plan for the girl I am now.

But often times, I can't help but wish I was on the other side of my current search for self, maybe ten or fifteen years from now–looking from the outside-in at whoever I become in the end.
And dear God, I hope that woman is not one who although swears off love and romance, only finds herself living her days with one wish; that she were somewhere on the other side of the Atlantic with a cute boy she's literally only met once.

because sadly, that's who I am now. haha.

But, as much as I could wish I was more "this", and less of "that"... one thing I do know for certain, is that God likes the woman I am now. He doesn't sit on His judgement seat daily wishing I would "find myself" or "be better". Yes, He want's me to be the very best version of myself but He also cares so deeply about my journey to that place.

And the truth is, there are many things the woman I must become, must learn from the one I am now.
So maybe, just maybe instead of breaking her down, I must learn to build her up.
I must learn to remind her, that she is not her mistakes and though falling so quickly is her biggest weakness, it's also her greatest strength. I must remind this woman, that she already knows who she is, what she is called to, and who she is meant to be. and that there is no way, she could ever miss that destiny because it was crafted specially, by a Designer who knew of the many phases she would walk through and all the mistakes she would make.

This Designer does not overlook the woman she is now, in desperation for one that is to come. He chose her, all while knowing she would mess up and learn things the hard way. But He also knew that He wouldn't have it any other way.

So here's to you; on the other side of where you may want to be, and here's to me–suddenly realizing I am where I need to be:
To the woman you are now, I salute you and I am already proud of you. You are learning to love your flaws and weaknesses because you know that they will only bring you to a place of deep reliance, on the One who has never wanted you as anything else, but as the truly authentic you.

and even as she messes up (and falls for southern boys), she will also be strengthened and encouraged to stay the course until the end. not just in the hopes of becoming the woman she thinks she must be, but because of the assurance that she is enough, even as she is now.

So be patient with her,
it may be a long time coming–but she'll (I'll) get there in the end.

With love,

Princess (the woman you know now)