integrity

 Integrity: a word I have been considering a lot lately.

I think for a while, integrity felt intimidating–like the weight of a thousand expectations,

on really weak shoulders.

I think I have always naturally disqualified myself from being someone who would fall within its borders and boundary lines.

I wore the heavy weight of not quite being someone of integrity–all because I failed, and that,  a lot.

What I failed to realize most of all, is that integrity is not a one-size-fits-all formula for perfection.

Integrity is messy. It is not compact, and it is not linear.

I read recently, that integrity isn't about doing something perfectly, it's about wrestling with something faithfully. 

I have never found a more freeing definition.

Reading this was my reminder to lay down the heavy weight of a perfection I was never meant to carry and although this does not excuse sin, it reminds me of Grace.

I may not love others perfectly, but do I wrestle with it faithfully?

I may not forgive instantaneously, but do I go to God for strength to do this constantly?

I may not live out purity of heart, mind and actions perfectly, but do I bring my struggles with this to God faithfully?

Am i easily humbled? Do I carry my cross? Do I lay down my crowns? Am I living a life laid down, am I aware of my need for Jesus??

There are days I am so thankful that the Lord judges by the heart. Because although my actions my fail him, I know that He would see just how much my heart really craves him.

To me, there is no life outside of this one: the one of rising and falling, stumbling and steadying,  forgiving and being forgiven, expecting condemnation, but finding grace.

If you are wrestling the things you don't do perfectly, faithfully with God, then you are a person of integrity.

Our righteousness could never be enough, He says they are like filthy rags before him. I am thankful to be humbled by the reality that Jesus is and will always be the most righteous thing about me. And until I reach the other side, I will continue to wrestle faithfully with the things I do not perform perfectly.