finished work

 this week as i spiralled into comparison

and demeaning self talk, i felt God say; 

"you are finished work".

i felt it break through societies lies

and my own self- rejection,

i felt it steady my feet

and pour life into my withered leaves.

just as a painting in a gallery is considered finished work,

so are you.

this means no room for reconsideration,

no room for reconstruction.

stop picking at your flaws.

what you consider imperfect, 

God puts on display.

Crafted by the Master Artist,

Sealed with His approval,

You are finished work.

my defining years

 September 26 London, England.

I have so many dreams this year

and I often wonder,  am I making the most of it?

This is a once in a lifetime, 

this is a shooting star year.

so am i flying? soaring through endless possibilities with Him,

or am i hiding? fearing disappointment and heartbreak.

i want to one day look back and say,

in my twenties, in my year in England–

i chased big dreams,

i raced toward impossibility 

and i trusted Him with every ounce of my life.

so may these years take me by endless surprise 

may they undress new hope and etch into hidden places of my heart

how good–no, how wonderful, this life can be.

but more than anything,

may my twenties be the years that define,

my soaring into the unknown.

something about the unknown

 there is something about the unknown;

both captivating & terrifying ,

wildly unexplainable

but completely imaginable

i want this.

i want those feelings of fear

and faith

in their equal parts–

intensified

england

 i want to experience every new feeling here

i want to taste each new season here

i want to fall in love with the cobbled streets

i want to be warmed up by the afternoon rush

i want to walk through the winter markets

and drink hot cocoa

and hold hands with friends; old and new.

i want to see england like i never have before.

i want to fall in love here.

More Than i Do Now

I’ve never wanted you more than I do now

and I haven’t yet seen your face but I want to

I haven’t seen you smile but I know what it would look like

It would look like this:

A million stars in an evening sky staring right at me

A little child on an open field running fearlessly

It would look like rushing waves on an empty beach,

it would look like you’re falling in love with me

It would look like the colours that form when day and night meet,

it would look like unimaginable peace

I’ve never wanted you more than I do now, 

and I haven’t yet seen your face but I want to

I haven’t yet held your hand but I know what it would feel like

It would feel like this:

goosebumps on a chilly fall day,

that warm breeze at the start of May

It would feel like my heart beating out of my chest,

like the safety of a thousand promises kept

It would feel like staring into the bluest eyes,

it would feel like all my fears have just died

So although I haven’t yet seen your face, or yet held your hand,

I’ll hold on to hope that that I’ll get to 

in another land.

moments that define us - an excerpt from the isolation diaries

lets look for the moments that define us;

its the three hour car rides with mum through the countryside,

its the lakeside picnics amidst unrelenting summer bugs

its the strolling hand-in-hand with your best friends

its the planning of trips to the west coast on a three-way FaceTime

its the quick walmart runs with your gloves and mask on, texting mum to see if she needs anything

its the return home from uni amidst a global pandemic and finding that maybe, its not so bad after all.

its the 2am group text conversations,

the gilmore girls binge watch,

its the late sign in to your summer zoom class,

its the saving of every last dollar, so you can one day move somewhere warm.

its the seeing of old mates, and wondering what there is left to say

its the rush of adrenaline at the thought of what tomorrow could hold

its the crushes that disappear, and the contentment that there are no new boys here.

its the wishing you were in england,

but also in cali,

but also anywhere at all that isn't right here.

it's the missing your God time for the 5th morning in a row, and realizing you've never needed anything more

its the smile at the things that have passed

and the missing of moments you're already in

the moments that define us are small and they are big

they are a song and a wave,

a small town smile exchange with strangers on their way,

they are the stripping of your walls,

and re-painting over old songs, left carved in your room from back when you thought it was cool.

they are the realizing that the world does not stop moving or rushing or changing,

and the savouring of each moment like it'll be your last.

these are the moments that define us

they are memories of yesterday,

they are the hopes of tomorrow

and they stillness of the now.

I see colour.

oh you don't see colour? how nice for you.
I see colour every day.
I see it in the way that people look at me,
I see it in the comments that people make.

I see it in the way it enters a room before I do.
I see it in the way it's speaks my worth and place in society, before I can say a word.
I see it in the way it tells the story of my ancestors and the injustices they faced.

I see it in the bleeding, dying man, lying on cold pavement under his oppressors knees.
I see it in every plead for justice each broken State demands, as its requests are tear-gassed and violently hindered.

I see it in the life-sentences dished out in response to disproportionate crimes,
I see it in the wrongfully convicted brothers and sisters.
I see it in the comfortable lives lived by my white friends and allies.

I see it in spaces made in the corporate world for the white girl who is just like me, but white.
I see it in the ways my mother warns my brother as he leaves the house at night,
I see it in the ways my father begs me to not move to the United States.

I see it in the eyes of George Floyd and in the limp of Ahmaud Arbery,
I see it in the sneers of white supremacists.
I see it in the declaration that "all lives matter", when only one is at stake.

I see it in the blind optimism that racist ideologies and systematic injustices are in no way as bad as what our grandparents faced
I see it when I ask God "why?"

I see colour everywhere I step my feet.
yes,
I see colour every time I look at me.

a good omen to the college days

i guess i never realized how much this pandemic affected my hopes on what final year at uni would look like. it's as i sit here typing up the most monotonous philosophical reading that i think i am finally feeling it all.

no more tedious ethics lectures.
no more last minute coffees making me late to class.
no more catching up with friends at the spoke.
no more spoke bagels.
no more hopeful introductions to TA's and Professors in vain attempt to win their subjectivity in marking.
no more morning shifts at the psychology lab.
no more sucking of useful information from the grad and post doc students for my future marked with academia.
no more coding of affect.
no more resisting the allure of persistent friends to bring you out to the bar on a thursday night.
no more mental breakdown snapchats to the group chat.
no more swearing off boys because you should've known better.
no more midnight cram sessions with tiffany over sushi in my dimly lit college bedroom.
no more crying on the staircase in middlesex to my best friend maddie.
no more leaving my drive way five minutes before clocking in at urban.
no more walking into work and seeing all my best friends on shift with me.
no more roomie dinners and raptors game nights.
no more college.

it's as if in a blink of an eye, all these moments became memories.
and just like that, we were packing up 4 years worth of clothing,
stripping down memories from our walls and
leaving thoughtful gifts on our friends doorsteps
–an omen to the good old days,
an end we would have never imagined,
and goodbyes that came sooner than our hearts could catch up to.

Something new // meet me in my empty

dream

notting hill

i want to live in Notting Hill someday
in a townhouse with old wooden floors that sometimes creak,
radiators that heat up the chilly ambiance,
brick walls spotted with imperfections,
and curved bright windows that overlook a street lined with tiny cars

i want to work for myself
and sit in my home-office
drinking black tea with my favourite biscuits.
my job will be something i am passionate about–
maybe photography or blogging or writing. maybe counselling too.

i want this life for my twenty somethings,
a time where i am able to focus on the things that will grow me,
a time of independence–but not loneliness.

on cold mornings in Notting Hill,
i will wake up early enough to see the sun turn from dusk to day.
i will wake up and pray.
i will throw on my thick wool jumper and some black leggings,
quickly feed my dog jasper
and slip on my old dirty converse as i close my front door shut behind me.

running down my front steps,
i will walk through the sleepy streets of the West,
rounding the corner to get to my favourite coffee shop.
i'll ask for my usual; an almond milk flat white with nutmeg sprinkled over top.

these are the days i dream of,
in lecture rooms and on crowded buses;
in the busy afternoon rush of determined students
and in my bed at night,
 when i am mindlessly scrolling through tumblr.

one day,
if Notting Hill does come,
i'll remember the days i wished it were reality,
and smile as if i'd known it all along.

You are leading others, whether you want to or not.

This title is something i've been grappling with a lot lately.
it's the idea that people are watching the testimony of my life and matching it with my actions.
it's a heavy weight to feel that whether or not i want to, i am leading people. and this is either leading them closer to Jesus or further away.
What is the story my life is telling?
is it of a good and faithful Father who sent his son to die for us?
is it of self-focus and self-satisfaction?
is my life just for me?

I want to be so cautious and intentional about the way that I am leading those around me,
those who i don't even know are watching.
My pastor has always said, if the only way people will know about God is through your life, what would they believe about Him?

I would encourage you that if this question scares you or makes you wonder how the life you're living is leading others, take a step back from living publicly. figure it out in private first, seek Jesus out in private first, decide how you get to lead in private first before you bring it out to the open.

I want my private life to look like ultimate surrender to Jesus, I want it took like trust in who He is, I want my private life to glorify Jesus. This is the only way that my public life will too.

God's commands aren't suggestions.
it is absolutely essential that you
pour yourself into obedience.
you submit to Him,
you resist the devil,
you come near to Him
you wash your hands
you purify your hearts
you humble yourself,

He lifts you up (in due time)

the one whom your heart loves

i wish someone would have told me

three years ago,

to reject the lie that there is something outside of Jesus worth trying.

so I'm telling it to you, 

whoever you may be, that

His boundaries are good

His love for you is good

His hopes for you are good.

He is good.

so reject the lie.

there is nothing that exists outside of Him

–nothing that you need anyway.

There is no other place you need to be,

You are no closer to knowing who you are,

what your purpose is,

or the passions that burn inside of you,

if you are not rooted in knowing Him first.

Where He has planted your feet, is good.

now go give your all to Him.

right where you are, lacking nothing,

give it all and lay it all down.

get familiar with the word submit.

He will lift you up in due time,

i promise,

He will give you your food at the proper time.

Trust me,

please just take my word for it.

if i had to learn it the hard way,

i promise it's so you don't have to.

He is Home.

He is so close

dear one,

don't go looking any longer

You have found the One whom

your heart loves.

-Princess