it begins now

your life does not begin tomorrow.
it does not start
when he notices you exist,

it does not start when you get that new job
or finally see Europe
stop waiting
for some magic to happen

stop wasting moments
in the wait of a fairytale.

live it now.
it is here now.
you have today.
you have right now.

embrace the light,
seize the day
drink your coffee
dream away

stay awake
make a goal
work hard
live now.


sincerely,

–the girl who has been waiting all her life for it start.

the strongest of them all

i think it is valuable 

to be a woman who feels it all.

although it may at times seem heavy,

that's the beauty of the journey

her ability to feel

will also be her 

ability to heal–

to heal a broken world,

to heal a hurting people,

to sit and sympathize

to feel and empathize

for although her heart has created more wounds

than it has healed,

she has also never been more confident

that emotions are meant to be felt.

they are not made to hidden,

they are not created to be ignored.

she now understands that even when they 

lead her astray,

there is always something new gained.

a new lesson,

a greater depth,

a sense of awareness–

some light, even in the mess.

i believe 

that a woman 

who feels 

it all,

is the strongest of 

them all.

one day soon

& one day soon,
he will just be a
boy,
you will just be a
girl.
with no ties to her past,
with nothing holding her back

you will appreciate the things
that have gone before,
but have a new sense of gratitude
for all that is to come

one day, very soon
his name will hold no more meaning,
those memories will be left
exactly where they need to be

for
summer is gone,
& fall awaits.
embrace all things new,
enjoy each moment today

be present in the season,
be present in the pain
be present in the joys,
just be present today.

moments

the raw, unfiltered moments
of my day-ins and day-outs
are not me laying on a beach south of London.

they are me crying, gulping down my cold coffee
reading over the same lines in my Bible over & again
until i almost believe them.
they are me questioning God,
questioning my ability to hear Him,
questioning his direction over my life.

these moments are not filtered.
they are sometimes happy
but most often,
my only solace becomes the same three worship songs I always listen to
when I am in need of remembering the bigness of God
in the face of my adversity.

these moments are mine,
and you will never see them until i allow you to.
but these moments of darkness and growth
and pain and joy
and freedom
and falling
yet rising–
only to fall again–
are precious in His sight.

this is the journey of purpose.
and it's not an easy one.
this is the journey of hope,
and it is not aesthetically pleasing.

these are the moments He treasures,
where I am raw and open and vulnerable,
where i pour out till empty
and allow the melodies of heaven
to console me.

this is the me
you wont always see,
it is the one in the journey
of becoming
all that she is meant to be.

meet me in my empty

how wild it is,
to let things go.
how outstanding an act of faith.

how often do we say out loud;
"God I trust you"
yet, in the moments that follow,
we find ourselves frail and frigid,
consumed with anxiety at the thought of it all falling apart–
our world, our hopes, our dreams.

i can't remember a time where it has all fallen apart so perfectly, as it did last night.
my world, my heart,
the whole ensemble.

it is still broken now,
and i am not yet recollected–
yet it is okay.

it is okay to find myself amiss in the despair of what i hoped would be,
only to find that it is not,
and will never be.

it is okay to realize that i do not, in fact,
trust God like i should.
sometimes, it takes me loosing all that i want to hold on to
to find that He wants to give something better in return.

i hate the ache,
the pain of it all.
the growing, and learning,
the stumbling
and falling.

but i am beginning to understand
all over again
that He'll always be here,
& that in the mess of it all
He is still God.
He will never yell the things that i would, to myself.
the "i told-you-so's"
or the "you-should've-knowns"
for He does not take delight in my despair.

i am twenty-one
and yet still twelve.
wanting the things i don't need,
needing the things that'll hurt me.


now i know that i must stay
in deep dependence on Him whose ways are better,
who's thoughts are better,
and
who's all,

(always)

meets me
in my
empty.