More Than i Do Now

I’ve never wanted you more than I do now

and I haven’t yet seen your face but I want to

I haven’t seen you smile but I know what it would look like

It would look like this:

A million stars in an evening sky staring right at me

A little child on an open field running fearlessly

It would look like rushing waves on an empty beach,

it would look like you’re falling in love with me

It would look like the colours that form when day and night meet,

it would look like unimaginable peace

I’ve never wanted you more than I do now, 

and I haven’t yet seen your face but I want to

I haven’t yet held your hand but I know what it would feel like

It would feel like this:

goosebumps on a chilly fall day,

that warm breeze at the start of May

It would feel like my heart beating out of my chest,

like the safety of a thousand promises kept

It would feel like staring into the bluest eyes,

it would feel like all my fears have just died

So although I haven’t yet seen your face, or yet held your hand,

I’ll hold on to hope that that I’ll get to 

in another land.

moments that define us - an excerpt from the isolation diaries

lets look for the moments that define us;

its the three hour car rides with mum through the countryside,

its the lakeside picnics amidst unrelenting summer bugs

its the strolling hand-in-hand with your best friends

its the planning of trips to the west coast on a three-way FaceTime

its the quick walmart runs with your gloves and mask on, texting mum to see if she needs anything

its the return home from uni amidst a global pandemic and finding that maybe, its not so bad after all.

its the 2am group text conversations,

the gilmore girls binge watch,

its the late sign in to your summer zoom class,

its the saving of every last dollar, so you can one day move somewhere warm.

its the seeing of old mates, and wondering what there is left to say

its the rush of adrenaline at the thought of what tomorrow could hold

its the crushes that disappear, and the contentment that there are no new boys here.

its the wishing you were in england,

but also in cali,

but also anywhere at all that isn't right here.

it's the missing your God time for the 5th morning in a row, and realizing you've never needed anything more

its the smile at the things that have passed

and the missing of moments you're already in

the moments that define us are small and they are big

they are a song and a wave,

a small town smile exchange with strangers on their way,

they are the stripping of your walls,

and re-painting over old songs, left carved in your room from back when you thought it was cool.

they are the realizing that the world does not stop moving or rushing or changing,

and the savouring of each moment like it'll be your last.

these are the moments that define us

they are memories of yesterday,

they are the hopes of tomorrow

and they stillness of the now.